procrastinating on my essay;

good evening my voodoo babies,

i don’t even know what to write today. i feel so bogged down by the weight of everything in life right now that i don’t know which way is up. i wish i could go a day away from my sweetheart (he’s pretty much my only means of real happiness right now, him and our little famjam) with a real reason to smile. i come to work and, instantly, i’m thrown into a sea of negativity and bitchy people. i feel like i’m losing the people who mattered most to me in my life; my best friend of 22 years barely acknowledges my existence anymore.

i have once again become a fond memory in somebody’s mind. and i get it, everyone has things in life that take precedence over other things, everyone in life has responsibilities, more important things. i just feel snuffed off by just about everyone i’ve tried to have a healthy friendship with. like i’m boring or something. or i’m not good enough for true friendship.

with that being said, my life isn’t all bad; but right now the bad seems to be heavily outweighing the good… there’s people i want to reach out to, i honestly just don’t know how.

on a lighter note; despite the slew of negative tests done on me to determine my impending pregnancy, i am currently 16 days late and it’s been 55 days since the first day of my last period. i’d like to see that as a silver lining. for a brief period of time i didn’t want children because of my mental instabilities, i didn’t want my child to grow up feeling unloved or hated because of my depression. i didn’t want my child to grow up in an unstable environment with an irrational mother. i didn’t want my kids to have the life i grew up having, and a simple solution to that was to not have any kids at all.

now, since meeting Cody, my views on children have drastically changed. i’ve ALWAYS loved kids, i have quite an affinity for child care and i get a lot of joy out of spending time with my nieces and nephews and friends children. i want nothing more than to be a mother because i feel like it’s the one thing in life i won’t manage to screw up. i know, deep down, i would make a wonderful mother.

parts of me are trying to make my absent period more than just a pregnancy, my brain automatically assumes the worst, like i’m dying or something. but as for now i’m just trying to stay positive and hope that maybe i am pregnant. maybe the goddess finally heard my pleas, my constant praying to her has hopefully, finally, paid off. as anxious as i am to know if i am for sure or not, i know that if i set my hopes too high and it’s a different result than what i anticipated it will destroy me.

i promise my posts will  become less mopey as time goes on. honestly this time of year is just really hard for me. i’m not actually a depressing piece of shit.

keep it surreal ladies and germs,
until next blog.
C.

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