oh, the weather outside is BULLSHIT, and so is pretty much everything else.

good evening my lovely voodoo babies and other followers,

over the weekend the snow decided to fall, and boy did it ever. when i woke up sunday morning, much to my dismay, there was white shit all over the ground. now, being canadian, this is all something we’re familiar with; some of us love it, others hate it. i am one of those people who hate it. i can’t stand being cold, because being cold leads to being sick and, given the fact my immune system is pretty shitty to begin with, i’m ALWAYS SICK.  whether it’s a cold, or the flu, or meningitis, i’m sick. it’s getting to the point where my bosses actually think i’m faking it, because they can’t wrap their heads around how a person who works 38+ hours a week can be sick for 4 consecutive months. (well, when i’m not really allowed to use my sick days, call in sick, or anything in that nature regarding not coming in to work, makes it kind of hard to recoup.)

aside from all of that, there are some pretty awesome and exciting things coming in the new year! i’ll be going to my second rave in my entire life on january 11th to see Marshmello with my boo. i am so ridiculously excited, it’s been a while since i’ve been to a rave and i’m ready to get up and dance my face off, but #keepitmello at the same time; of course.

i’m currently on the right track to finishing my grade 12 and finally achieving my diploma. a little backstory for you folks: i suffered from severe depression and anxiety in highschool, i was bullied a lot and as a result it led to me being hospitalized twice in one year and then eventually i dropped out in grade 11. before that, however, when i was in grade 10; a dear friend to me lied about having cancer and i had dropped out the first time then to go take care of her during her “last few months”.  i was devastated when i found out she lied, i had ruined an entire year of school all for a lie. it took me a while to catch up especially whilst dealing with depression and anxiety but i managed. when i was re-taking grade 12 for the third time, i developed a drug addiction; i was addicted to prescription pills (ritalin, dexidrine and dabbled in cocaine. i was a mess and that led to me dropping out for a third time and basically giving up all hope for achieving my diploma. i felt like a failure and to most i looked like one too, it’s really baffling how a piece of paper can truly make a person feel about themselves. being both a high school and college drop out was a huge let down to my ever so successful family. flash forward to now: i currently hold a 97% average in my online high school studies, which is probably my highest class average ever, i’m also taking a few online criminology courses through an american college, they are unaccredited but i do get a certificate of completion at the end of the four week program i can utilize for my college applications. despite my academic short comings, i have proved myself more than competent at various jobs and excel at every job i have ever been hired at… even tim hortons. my end goal is to apply to the criminology course/forensic psychology course at my local college and hopefully get somewhere in the forensic crime/analysis career. so we can only go up from here. i just have to stay motivated and keep my eyes on the prize.

i’ve come to the conclusion very recently that nobody has your back like you think. i know i’ve hurt a lot of people in the past who didn’t deserve to be hurt, i’ve had my hand at being a shitty friend and now do i only realize that it really sucks having no friends to turn to in a time of need because it inconveniences them. i mean, i have my family, i have my love, but i don’t have a friend anymore that i can go to and just know they’ll be down for me like i’m down for them, much less want to spend time with me. i’m a pretty solitary creature, for the most part i enjoy being alone with the exception of my sweetheart; but lately, i’ve been craving the friendship every person wishes they had but know only exists in movies or tv. i’ve come to the sad realization that aside from my hubs, fur babies, and family i ultimately have nobody like that. not my best friend of 20+ years, not my best friend of 6+ years.. nobody.  karma is in fact a ruthless bitch, but i’ve probably had it coming for a while. if i had to describe how it felt to be so alone, just picture yourself in a deep, dark pit with only the dim light from the opening above – it’s cold and damp and very lonely. that is how the friendship part of my heart feels and it sucks…

that’s really all the energy i have tonight folks,
all this retrospective bullshit makes for a sad panda.

keep it surreal,
until next blog.


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